Forgiveness

Forgiveness. For me, that's the hardest word of the English language to accept. Never have I had such trouble with a word. And, really, I think most people have trouble with it. Forgiveness is never easy. In fact, it's downright awful. Who wants to forgive someone when they've wronged you, especially if it's something that you deem "unforgivable"? But, nothing is "unforgivable" in God's book. And that is something that I have struggled with for years. Since I was a thirteen year old eighth grader, I've struggled with the concept of forgiving my mother for the awful things that she's put me through. Today, though, I realized through a couple of conversations that "hurting people hurt people," and I was just one of those people that got hurt. My mother is just a person who is lost in a world of pain that I've never experienced and that I probably never will experience, and so I could never possibly understand the processes behind her actions. And, while she has hurt and is continuing to hurt the people who should be the closest to her, I should not be allowed to hold that against her. Christ died for her just like He died for you and me. He forgives her for her sins, just like He forgives you and me for ours. He forgives her despite what she's done and despite what her imperfections are. If He can do that, and if He lives in me like I believe He does, then why can't I also forgive her for her wrongdoings? But, over the course of the last six and a half years, I haven't forgiven her, and I realized today that it's time. I need to move on with my life. It's been six and a half years, and I've continued to let this person, who hasn't been in my life for so long now, control it from afar, and I just can't anymore. The baggage has become too much for me to handle on my own, and so it's time for me to finally let go and let God. Throughout all of this, I've felt so alone, so without God, but as I'm sitting here, praying and giving it all over to Him, I'm realizing that He's been here, waiting for me to take this step this whole time. I know this is only the first step, and I've still got a ways to go, but I've decided to forgive her, and every day after today I'll forgive her. Even though I don't think she deserves it, I do deserve it. I deserve to be free from all of this pain and anger, and so, if for no other reason, I'm going to do it for that. I'm going to forgive her for myself and for Jesus, because He always forgives me. No matter what. No questions asked. Jesus always forgives me.

T-town Never Down

April 27, 2011 was a day that I will never forget for as long as I live. It was a day that started out just like any other and ended in tragedy.Today is the one year anniversary of that day. The one year anniversary of the tornado that mercilessly ripped through my state. All day I've struggled with what I could possibly have to say about this. There is really just no way you can go through something like that and not relive it on that day every year, but there is also no way that I could ever effectively put what it felt like to be in it into words. I could tell you exactly what I was doing as the tornado approached. I could tell you about the fear that exploded in my heart when we heard on the news that the mile-wide tornado was heading for campus or the relief that almost brought me to tears when it made a turn away from us. For a long time afterwards, I avoided the destroyed parts of town, most notably of those was the intersection of McFarland and 15th St. When I was finally able to bring myself to drive there, I was reduced to tears, and for months after, I had the same reaction. In the end though, I'm just one person. My story is one swimming in a sea of so many more. There are stories of lost homes and loved ones. Of decimated businesses and towns. The evidence of the destruction can still be seen all over Alabama and the rebuilding process is still going on. Through all of this, though, we've remained strong. As a community, we came together to help those who lost everything they had and so much more. We rose from the rubble of our city to victory when we won another national championship within a year after the tornado. We stood together through it all and continue to do so today as we watch businesses being restored and new homes being rebuilt. T-town is never down, and that's a statement we've more than proved in this last year.

The Path of the Unknown

For past two weeks or so I've been struggling with a life altering realization I've had: I don't think I'm supposed to be a doctor anymore. Now, for those of you who really know me, you'll know that I've dedicated the last 13 years of my life to this end. I've endlessly researched medical schools. I've done internships at hospitals and doctor's offices. I've gotten a job as a CNA. I've killed myself by taking those pre-med classes. I have practically revolved my life around this one decision that I made when I was 6 years old. So, I'm sure you can only imagine how I felt, sitting in Panera Bread for lunch with a friend one day, when I had this epiphany. I can't say that this was a sudden decision. To be perfectly honest, it's been a very gradual thing. Small things here and there have been pointing me to this decision. At first it was subtle, but, for the last almost two years, it has become more and more obvious.
This all begs the question: well, what next? I have to say that I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I'm going to continue along the path of a History major, regardless of whether or not I end up becoming a doctor. Other than that, the short term goals include the ceasing of taking science classes after this semester, so that I can fully explore my options.
I can positively say that, for possibly the first time in my entire life, I feel the fear and exhilaration of the unknown in my future. I'm not 100%, absolutely sure in this decision. A decision of this magnitude is something that definitely needs to be questioned. I'm also not saying that I'm turning my back on this all forever. Who knows? Maybe I need to explore my other options in order to reaffirm my belief in becoming a doctor. I can say that my unhappiness over the last couple of years has been directly linked to this career choice and the stress and pressure I felt from it all. Since making the decision to take a step back, I also know that a weight has been lifted from me. My heart finally feels free again. And, I think that may end up being the only affirmation I need that this is the right decision for me.
And, so, with the full support of my friends and family, I'm embarking on this new journey: the Path of the Unknown. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. I can't wait to see where this all leads me, and I just want to thank my family and a couple of close friends for really being there for me during this all.

Oh, and, happy birthday to my wonderful Dad! Without him, I'm not sure I would have had the courage to come to grips with this decision and be able to take these next steps in my life.