Forgiveness

Forgiveness. For me, that's the hardest word of the English language to accept. Never have I had such trouble with a word. And, really, I think most people have trouble with it. Forgiveness is never easy. In fact, it's downright awful. Who wants to forgive someone when they've wronged you, especially if it's something that you deem "unforgivable"? But, nothing is "unforgivable" in God's book. And that is something that I have struggled with for years. Since I was a thirteen year old eighth grader, I've struggled with the concept of forgiving my mother for the awful things that she's put me through. Today, though, I realized through a couple of conversations that "hurting people hurt people," and I was just one of those people that got hurt. My mother is just a person who is lost in a world of pain that I've never experienced and that I probably never will experience, and so I could never possibly understand the processes behind her actions. And, while she has hurt and is continuing to hurt the people who should be the closest to her, I should not be allowed to hold that against her. Christ died for her just like He died for you and me. He forgives her for her sins, just like He forgives you and me for ours. He forgives her despite what she's done and despite what her imperfections are. If He can do that, and if He lives in me like I believe He does, then why can't I also forgive her for her wrongdoings? But, over the course of the last six and a half years, I haven't forgiven her, and I realized today that it's time. I need to move on with my life. It's been six and a half years, and I've continued to let this person, who hasn't been in my life for so long now, control it from afar, and I just can't anymore. The baggage has become too much for me to handle on my own, and so it's time for me to finally let go and let God. Throughout all of this, I've felt so alone, so without God, but as I'm sitting here, praying and giving it all over to Him, I'm realizing that He's been here, waiting for me to take this step this whole time. I know this is only the first step, and I've still got a ways to go, but I've decided to forgive her, and every day after today I'll forgive her. Even though I don't think she deserves it, I do deserve it. I deserve to be free from all of this pain and anger, and so, if for no other reason, I'm going to do it for that. I'm going to forgive her for myself and for Jesus, because He always forgives me. No matter what. No questions asked. Jesus always forgives me.